The Very First Blond GUY Joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on the 20th floor of a building when they stopped for lunch.
The Irishman opened his lunchbox and said," Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde guy opened his lunch box and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife, who said: "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch" |
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Twins!
The other day my blond neighbor came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy, but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down,told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said...."Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!". |
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KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual Associated Press headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Palm Springs, CA was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hither in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.
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When it rains, it pours!
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!" |
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| Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the winter." |
Not Gonna Shoot These! A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly" , the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor."Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger".
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Roll Up the Windows! A blonde driving home after a game got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew harder and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first." |
Thermos
A blonde was shopping at Target , and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk t o ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that ? " he asked."Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied..... ..."Two popsicles and some coffee." |
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