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Many a man has come to this crossroad! |
Take your tongue out of my mouth, I'm kissing you goodby. |
Mrs. Speidell, who was a little  on the chubby side,
was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?" "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings." |
Menopause Jewelry
My Husband Larry, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to Monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!!! |
 Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. The world is your urinal. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe e decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes |
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About 5 minutes for me!
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About three hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house." |
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her chest.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand move s to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
 She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
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 She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit!
I caught her spending $65 for makeup.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't?
She told me she needed the makeup to make her pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for!
I don't think she is coming back. |
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
 Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
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Think she's mad at someone?
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did
it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I  arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
 behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With
tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for
our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. |
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What a Deal I just celebrated being married 25 years. I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, but I got to sleep with a very hot 25-year-old blonde every single night!"
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV. But, here I am sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make damn sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises. |
| A Beer Before it Starts  A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts". She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "quick, it's gonna start, bring me another beer".
This time she looked a little angry, but still brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said "quick bring me another beer before it starts". "That's it", she blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave bringing you beer after beer. Don't you know that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long."
The husband sighed and said, "too late, it's already started". |
Sheer Lingerie
A husband walks into Fredrick's of Arkansas to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 >in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and take the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea.It's so sheer that it>might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do themodeling naked, returnit tomorrow and keep the $500 refund fo myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes apose. The husband says,"Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending. |
| Bullfrog
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied.
"It hasn't been proved but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone." |
| The Long Haul
An Arkansas trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick." |
SPAGHETTI
A wealthy man had been having an affair with a young Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, and told her that if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how can she notify him whentthe baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support paymentstto begin.
One day, a few months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey", she said,"Look, you received a very strange postcard today." The husband read the card, turned white and fsinted. On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." |
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