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What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God does not think he is a lawyer. |
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant  clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won." |
Lab Lawyers The National Institute of Health announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. |
Lawyer Q & A A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. |
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to the little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 
 A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it," the attorney said. |
Lawyer Q & A Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street? A: here are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a  lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish. Q: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients? A: To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. Q: Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey had first pick. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a BMW? A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. |
What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't there funny and nobody else thinks they are jokes. |
The Oldest Profession A man walked into a Tavern and sat next to a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there good looking, how it is going?" he asked. The woman looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!" "No kidding?" said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" |
Kin I sue?
Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it t true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer "And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin th em fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the lawyer."
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?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. 
"Well, I was thinkin . . .. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?" Do you server Lawyers? A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve |
Donation!
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?" |
lawyers here?" "Sure do", replied the bartender.
"Good", said the man. " Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." I`m A Lawyer There was a loser who couldn`t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It`s simple. I just say, I`m a lawyer." "Well, I`ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I`m already screwing someone!" |
The devil visited a lawyer`s office and made him an offer.  "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I`ll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you`ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife`s soul, your children`s souls, and their children`s souls will rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what`s the catch?" he asked. |
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit |
Priorities A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed. |
 A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. When the priest tried to pay for the haircut, the barber refused, saying, "you do God?s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. The next day a lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut. |
entrance into Heaven?" 
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter - "Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!"