| Quotable Quotes!
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good, spit it out. |
Computer Upgrade
Now, thats an upgrade!
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Be happy your kid did not come home with this tatoo!
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Redneck Flatscreen TV
Them rednecks are getting smarter!
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Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's
another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one
coming!" cried the doctor
 The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor, .. . .
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?" |
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Vermont! Or your state?
The owner of a golf course in Vermont was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Vermont , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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A group of Vermont friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck..
"Where's Bob?" the others asked.
"Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.. A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bob!
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Regarding the year 2000, a senior at University of Vermont was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in " Vermont."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
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The young Vermont man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Elmer, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Elmer replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young fella answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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A Vermont State trooper pulled over a pickup on Rt. 5. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut? |
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IT WAS OCTOBER & THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING
WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR  MILD. SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD
NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS.
WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.
NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING
TO BE COLD & THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED. BUT
BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH,
CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE & ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?"
"IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER
SERVICE RESPONDED.
SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE & TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER
TO BE PREPARED.
A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL W EATHER SERVICE AGAIN.
"DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?"
"YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD
WINTER."
THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE & ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD
THEY COULD FIND.
2 WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN.
"ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"
"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE & MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF
THE COLDEST WINTERS EVER."
"HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED.
THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY". |
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Think Before You Speak
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are stories of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husbanddidn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentleman
who works at the store.He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him andsaid, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing Iheard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and Iwas on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn'thave an accident?""No," he replied.I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks andyelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a veryembarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turnedto the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches youpromised me last night?"Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did to, they were laughing so hard! |
The woodpecker has to go! |
Do you remember when? Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived |
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