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FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.

The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:


Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper!

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her to run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.

1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.
4.
5.
6 .

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the " Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs:
F. A. T. A. S. S.

The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of> the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home> Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.

I feel safer already.

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock! "We've never had a Democrat in the family before"!!!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.  And furthermore ---

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -  She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" -  She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -  She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you -  She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" -   She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."  

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" -   He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -   He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE  DESTINATIONS ."

4. He is not "BALDING" -   He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSIVE."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -  He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

Oil Problem

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
  ~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!!


Any Questions?

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday.

She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

Have  you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to  hit?  

Have  you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do  you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?  

I'm  a firm believer that animals—and especially dogs— have keen insights into the truth. You can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.  

Simply  said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right . . . When impending doom is upon us . . . !

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,  hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?""Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning.""Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

The Press

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of Them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had Already locked his jaws on the boys leg.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and Twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The Reporter began entering data into his laptop, Beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.'

"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry" replied the Reporter. "But since we're in Boston , I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"

"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy . What team or person do you like?''

"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

"Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton."Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And,he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.